


Introspection

by bakemonochrome



Category: Naruto
Genre: Asexual Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 15:41:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4441628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakemonochrome/pseuds/bakemonochrome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breakups are never easy</p>
            </blockquote>





	Introspection

**Author's Note:**

> Title is lame, but is the only thing I could think of. Pretty much just a very short introspection on Sai, relationships and him trying to find himself.

Sai sits him down after two weeks of their going out, stares at him blankly from across the table of that nice sushi restaurant on the other side of town. He shifts minutely, blinks a few times more than normal. And whenhe begins with a generic, "it's not you, it's me" donning an impassive face, Yamato actually wants to laugh. He’s known what’s coming, seen what’s coming since a while ago, but it’s still hard to swallow all the same.

"What books have you been reading, Sai?" Yamato laughs, oblivious, because acting ignorant is better than pretending that this is okay.

Sai starts to flounder then. The crease of his brow becomes more prominent than usual. He scrunches up his face slightly, the way he does when he can’t quite figure out the best way to arrange his words, and then opens his mouth to speak before Yamato can think to comment.

"I am breaking up with you.”

And it’s harsher out loud than it is in his head. The air’s caught in his throat. He can’t speak. And he can’t seem to remember that he needs to exhale if he actually wants to breathe. “Um…” Yamato says, lamely, insufficiently. But it’s all he can come up with at this point.

 “…I think that something like this…something so…intimate,” Sai tries again, and it’s got this underlying kind of sadness, this tinged around the edges sort of regretfulness that Yamato can’t quite distinguish, “It just doesn’t suit me. I…enjoy your company and your kindness, but….” Sai frowns. “I can’t really explain it, Yamato, but….you see….I think the attraction I feel and the attraction you are feeling are too different. I don’t think they are the same and…”

This is nothing new to him. He can’t pretend like he hasn’t noticed the decrease in Sai’s sex drive, or the way he still freezes stiffly, blinks awkwardly when Yamato tries to touch him in the spur of the moment. He’s noticed. When it comes to Sai he notices all of the small things, all the seemingly unimportant things, and he’s just felt this moment gradually building up.

“I feel…admiration for you. I respect your abilities as a shinobi. I find you very strong and…reassuring. You are a rock – stable, firm, grounded. I know you’ll answer my inquiries whole heartily even when others would find it strange. But…I don’t think I have an interest in these sorts of relationships. I’ve even researched it and found that the closest depiction of this feeling would be asexuality. Where I don’t….feel,” Sai looks down at his hands, like he’s actually trying to grasp the emotions that are guarded by his porcelain face, “normally. Sexual feelings I mean. Romantic feelings. They don’t come out right.”

He’s guessed this much, maybe not put an actual word to it, but he’s got the gist. It’s just that he’s selfish, way more selfish than Sai seems to understand he is, and he didn’t want to give this up. And so he pushed Sai even though he knew he wasn’t ready, knew he most likely only agreed to their dating for experimentation purposes and to make Yamato happy. He knew this whole relationship would most likely end badly.

 “What do you want, Sai?” Yamato finally replies, because the artist is staring at him with expectancy flittering quietly across his pupils and he’s honestly got nothing intelligent to say.

“…I think I would like to be friends with you. I think I should go back to the basics and work my way up. The mechanics of bonds and camaraderie are frankly still foreign to me and I think I would like to investigate them more.”

The mokuton user bites his lower lip, finally saying what he’s been thinking all along. “I pushed you when you weren’t ready. I’m sorry.” And he is, because seeing the artist distressed like this had not been his intention, no matter how bad he’d wanted this.

Sai smiles one of those bright smiles Yamato’s come to love. “I don’t know if I will ever truly feel the feelings necessary for a romantic relationship, but I would like to see how this progresses. Please, don’t apologize. I am glad you gave me this opportunity. And I am glad that I was able to grow because of it.”

He then gets up from the table, smiles at Yamato once more, and bows respectively in his direction. He slides his backpack onto his back and gestures his head to the door behind him. “I should be going then. I’ve got a mission tomorrow in the Land of Tea.”

Yamato has to bite back an offer to walk him home. “Walk back safely, Sai.”

“Thank you, Yamato…..taicho…”

“Yamato’s still fine as long as we’re not on a mission. No need to be so formal.”

Sai smiles. “Goodnight then, Yamato.” And he turns on his heel and walks out of the restaurant and Yamato doesn’t know whether his happiness for Sai’s finding of what he wants can negate the hole searing its way into his chest.


End file.
